Early Mourning

We just finished what may the longest weekend that ever existed. Riley had her dance recital and we planned to stay at the hotel of her recital all weekend and take things easy. Life has been crazy with my own health struggles, life activities and hoping my mom makes it through her treatments for breast cancer. We finally thought we had a little peace and could focus on our family and this amazing event.

About an hour after checking in we got a call from my dad, not one that surprised us at all but once that still broke every being of my heart.

My sister has been fighting her own personal demons for years. The story of the demons is not mine to tell. Maybe, hopefully one day it will be her story to tell. She has been fighting this problem for roughly ten years and it was something that led to her and I not talking for years. I want to say that Riley was not even walking the last time I spent any time with her. Efforts were made but her demons just caused us to drift further and further apart. No matter this separation of time or space (as much space as we can have living a mile and a half apart in a small-is town) and no matter this battle she is fighting and no matter the horrible things that were said at the end of the day she is my sister and I love her and the last thing I want is for anything to happen to her. Not only for the sake of here but for the sake of her children.

This time, this past Friday as my kids were swimming and none the wiser, my sister almost lost her life. It shook me to my core. In what was going to be this weekend about Riley I had to admit that my mind was not with Riley. I was there physically but not mentally. My mind was on my sister and what has transpired in the past 40 years. Trying to shake or catch that moment in my mind where we could have helped her.... where I could have helped her. I sat and watched Riley perform but my mind was on my sister's children, who are now teenagers. Would she not be there to see her kids graduate? Would she not be there to see her kids have kids of their own? Would she simply not see her kids again. All of this shook me to my core though I hid it behind a smile and small breaks of crying in the bathroom and calling the ICU nurse to get and give as much info as I could and coming back "refreshed" so no one knew.

We made it through recital night, we woke up the next morning and decided to let the kids swim a little more before checking out. Let's not throw them into any of this quite yet, let's just leet them swim. We left and as soon as I got home I was informed by the ICU nurse that my sister was being discharged in what would be a complicated story, I booked it up to the hospital to try and see her. I walked into the room where her husband was sitting on a sofa and she was laying on the bed. It was terrifying to see her to be honest. She looked nothing like when I saw her last, she was not ok and it wasn't a not ok just from this event. It was a not ok from years of this. I even commented to my husband that if I saw her in Kroger with no mask on I would never in a million years recognizer her. I tried talking to her in the hospital but the conversation was cold and to be quite honest careless. I implored to her that she needed to get better, that despite time and space we love her so very much and want her to be ok. The responses just grew colder and I left. As I left the ICU nurse told me that things for her are not going to get better and it is something I have been trying to wrap my brain around.

I say all of these things about her not to shame her at all. The reality is she is sick. She needs treatment for her "health" the same way my mom has been fighting her cancer with chemo and radiation. She needs help, she has the opportunity to get better and we have tried every which way but the reality is we can only do so much for her. Even with just trying to be there for her I can only do so much and have. I reached out to a friend who has battled a common demon and with all of the understanding she told me that loneliness is the enemy for her and while I completely understand that another attempt made today made it absolutely clear on my side that I am never going to have a relationship with her again and that the reality is that I will probably never see her alive again.... and it is a moment I have been pushing myself to accept. I have to let her go.

I wanted to write my own mourning for my sister.... it feels like this is something I would have to battle alone otherwise and I am not ok with that.

Danielle,

I wish you knew... I wish you knew that growing up all I did was look up to you. I was your biggest cheerleader but you never saw it. I wish you knew that part of my heart still belongs to you. I wish you knew that everytime I see you hurt I hurt too. I wish you knew that if I could go to your house and take you anywhere that you would feel safe and you would get help I would take you and go along this journey with you. I wish you knew that you have a niece and nephew over here that love you as well. I wish you knew that you are still a part of so many conversations here... caring conversations filled with hope for family that wants to see you again. I wish you knew that at 40 years of age, despite all of the bad things that there are times that I just need my sister, there are times when I need to talk about things that only you would get and I know you need the same thing too. I wish you knew that we love your children more than words could ever comprehend. I wish you knew that all of this is killing dad's heart. I wish you knew that mom and Jay never wanted to see this life for you. I wish you knew that all of that hope and determination you had growing up could still exist and that you still have time to change your life.

I wish you knew that me writing this goodbye to you, me accepting that I will never see you alive again hurt me more than you could ever imagine. I wish you knew that I love you, despite it all. I wish you knew how hard this is and that I am not ok. I'm not ok at all. I never thought I would say goodbye to you before anyone else in our family. I wish you knew there is a hole in my heart that could never be replaced.... I wish you knew.