No Pain, Just Peace

The reality is that my family, the family I grew up with is alot... and we all recognize it. A string of health issues for all of us along side generational trauma and everyone finding their own way to handle the best way they know how has caused our family to be

complicated. Large divides were set into place when my dad went away for 7 years and the trauma just continued to grow for my family. My parents divorced 7 years ago, my siblings set up boundaries as did both of my parents. Complete lines of communication have been cut off for most of my family and for the last 10 years we have not had a solid family unit. In the words of everyone who personally knows my family, "wow" and "that is alot to handle" are what I hear the most and they are right when they talk about my family.

My sister had always struggled with trying to find her own peace as long as I have been alive. She had demons she fought starting in her teen years and as time went on her demons just grew. Her dividing lines were up and she did not speak with me, my brother or my parents for almost 10 years. To be honest she had set up boundaries with almost everyone in her life for so long that it felt like she only let a select few in in the end. She went through so much in that time and from a distance I tried to love her through it but there came a time where I felt like I had to say goodbye. I wrote a blog in the summer of 2021 telling my sister goodbye because that is what I felt the best way to protect my heart would be. I still loved her but had to step away emotionally. Each time she went into the hospital I would go see her thinking it would be the last time saw her. The tensions were incredibly high each time I would see her but I think each time I went to go see her I think the reality grew that we needed each other in our lives. We (and my brother) are the only ones who knew what growing up in our family had looked like and that even in unspoken word we needed to lean on each other if only for a short time.

Last May, Danielle invited us to her twins high school graduation in an effort of reaching out an olive branch. She invited us over to her house afterwards and our relationship, with boundaries, was slowly coming together. We slowly texted and called each other and in the end we were calling and texting almost daily, just about life events. I think just needing to know we weren't alone was part of what kept us going. But within that way of finding beauty there was pain. In the past ten years Danielle looked nothing like the Danielle I grew up with. Health issues and life choices left her physically unrecognizable, it was tough to watch. Even within the struggles and divides that were set up in the past she seemed to make sure that there was a connection between her family and mine and she made it a point to love my kids with all the love she could give them. Honestly I think she knew that her time was coming sooner than later but didn't want to say that.

On February 18th Riley had a dance competition in Fort Worth (a solo and 3 other dances) Danielle spent the day (and it was a long day) watching her online. Every dance and every award came with a text from Danielle, each more supportive than the last. At the end of the competition day (which had started at 4:30am for us) I was exhausted. Danielle sent a text at 7:32pm saying "Tell Riley Aunt Danielle is proud of her and I love her very much." I didn't respond, I was exhausted and my thought was I would respond in the morning and I could tell her about our competition day. That was the last line of communication we had and I struggled. with that a few days after her death. I should have responded. I should have said, "we love you too", or "we are here for you". Instead I went to bed. My therapist, a few days later told me not worry about not responding, that was a wonderful way to end a converstion with her... I am still working on that.

We had stayed the night at Justin's parents house in Fort Worth that night and in the morning my dad called and simply said Danielle passed away. To be honest I have debated answering my phone every single time my dad called in the past four years as he lived with her and everyday I thought this call was coming. I was so exhausted that I picked up not thinking that this would be the call. ... it was the call and it hurt more than I ever thought it would. I thought I had prepared for this moment and I hadn't. I hung up from talking to my dad and ran in the living room where Justin and Cooper were laying on the sofa, for some reason I didn't see Cooper but I ran straight to Justin and said Danielle died. He stood up and said "what?!?!?!?" and I just collapsed into him and cried in a way I don't think I have ever cried. I am not much of a crier as life has been alot but this was uncontrollable. To be honest I didn't like it. I like being in charge of my emotions. I gained a little control of myself and called my mom. She didn't pick up the first time so I called my brother and told him. I called my mom back and with what was the hardest conversation I ever had to have I told my mom that her daughter had died. I made one more phone call/ text to a few of the staff at the dance studio as we had competitions set up for the next coming weekends and felt like I needed to let them know what was going on. I got dressed and headed back to McKinney and left Justin and the kids and the dog in Fort Worth. I got to Kevin and Danielle's house an hour later and dad was not there but Kevin was. We talked for a while about life and trauma and her death and what all of this looked like for him and for us. While he loved her and misses her, he had a sense of relief. He had watched her decline over the past ten years and he felt a sense of relief that she wasn't in pain and that he and the kids didn't need to see her in pain anymore. This had been a long process for all of them and her death was, in what I have repeated ten thousand times, messy and complicated. We went through the house a little bit and realized just how complicated things were for her. Did she need more love? Did she need a cure for her many ailments? Did she need hope? What did she need?

Her death came slightly more complicated for my parents as well. When Danielle passed she had passed alone, to be honest with no idea what was happening and we were told that she felt no pain. She took off her oxygen for a little bit, her oxygen dropped and she couldn't recover. That was the initial reality of her death, but again it was more complicated as the had so many health issues and demons that to say that that was her only cause of death is not the whole truth. Dad had watched the paramedics try to revive her though she had been gone for a few hours... that is his last vision. Mom hadn't seen her in ten years but struggled with that. She felt like she missed out on her life for so long. We all tried to tell her that it was probably better that she didn't see Danielle suffer to the last ten years, I know in my experience from being a mom that you don't want to miss out on any moment. The good or the bad. These are moments, along with the reality of having to bury a child has left both of my parents struggling and adding to the trauma that they both have.

I headed back to Fort Worth to be with my family. My strength in moments like this (and I suppose a weakness too) is to jump in and help. I asked Kevin how I could help and did everything in my power to do so. I set aside any feelings I had and jumped into action. Justin's parents had made it home from a trip and jumped into action to help in any way they possibly could with me, Justin and the kids. What I needed was the kids to be entertained while I tried to help. On the day of her death I reached out to 109 people to tell them that my sister had passed. I got to a point in the afternoon that day were I looked at Justin with tears in my eyes and said "I am tired for the day of telling people Danielle died. I can't do it anymore." We spent the rest of the night just holding each other.

I went with Kevin to the funeral home the next day to help with any info that I could regarding her history before they had met. The funeral director asked me what I needed and I asked if I could touch her, the happily obliged. As we finished up the paper work they got Danielle ready for us to be with. Kevin walked in there with me. They had her in a heavy duty cardboard box that is used for cremation with a light blue sheet over her body but her hand was resting over the sheet on her abdomen, over that sheet and her hand was a heathered navy blue, jersey style blanket. I removed the sheet back and held her hand. She was cold and rather stiff but her hand was open in a position where I could hold it. Her skin on her hand looked good, like she was alive. Her nails freshly manicured in a dark navy blue. I sat with her for a little bit and told her I loved her, cursed at her for leaving us so soon and under these circumstances, told her I missed her, told her I love you multiple times again. I rubbed her forehead through the sheet and gave her a kiss and told her goodbye. I made my peace.

Mom came in the day after Danielle's death and I took mom to do the same thing I got to do; Mom held her hand, told her she loved her and took in that it was real. We opted to go have manicures and pedicures in honor of Danielle because her nails were always so nicely taken care of. I had opted to go with her color but I added a few flowers to make it feel not so dark... I wasn't ready for the darkness yet.

Dad had a hard time with that option of holding her hand. Dad has never been an emotional person, his way of saying he was struggling these past two weeks were to to say, "I'm at Panera, come have tea with me." Justin was able to take off of work because I needed him so he stayed with the kids every morning while I went and had tea with my dad. He opened up about his feelings and stories about Danielle. It was nice for both of us. This past Tuesday mom joined us, it was the first time they had seen each other since the divorce... it was nice. All feelings of hurt they felt about each other in the past were put aside in the grief they had for Danielle. Breakfast turned into lunch where Justin and the kids joined us. It was was nice. The rest of the week was filled with making sure plans were finalized and making sure Kevin and Danielle's kids were ok.

The day before the funeral Emma came over and we made flower arrangements for the church, it was nice to spend time with her and see where she stood in all of this. Our Friends Courtney and Marissa flew in from Florida that afternoon and I didn't realize how much we had needed friends. We had cousins from Michigan that came in earlier that week and friends that stopped by that we love so whole heartedly. There is something though about the presence of Courtney and Marissa that make everything understood, life makes sense when they are here. We have so many friends like that but this circumstance called for the love of Courtney and Marissa. It put me in the mindset that I needed to be in to handle funeral day.

... yesterday was funeral day, I was expecting to not cry and feel a sense of acceptance of all of this but that did not happen. I cried... alot more than I thought I would. Pastor Kurth gave a beautiful sermon that was touching, and strong and filled with hope of Danielle in heaven and the faith she had here on earth, it gave us so much hope. My parents and I held each other and cried. Justin comforted me and the kids looked to all of us as to what all of this meant.

After the funeral the family lined up in the community room at the church and I think this is where the finality hit me. So many people telling us that they were sorry for our loss and affirming that she had a kind heart and touched their lives a certain way. It was touching. The people who came to celebrate her life further at our house confirmed the love she had but maybe she didn't see for some reason. My hope is that she looked down yesterday and saw that she was loved. That people saw her as a good human. She lived in a way that I think it was hard for her to accept love, a feeling I understand. We both had guilt and shame about life happenings that had nothing to do with anything we did and we were both blown away by simple kindness and simple love.

This morning I woke up at 9:30am with an emotional hang over. A weird calmness washed over me. I recognize that grief is not linear. I recognize that grief is complicated and messy, most imprtantly I recognize that there will be days I am ok and there will be the toughest days in my life regarding Danielle's death but in the beauty in this I recognize that I am not alone. I am loved, we are loved and most importantly she is loved!