It's Just Hair, It Will Grow Back

As I started this medication, an oral form of chemo, plus learning more about Ehlers Danlos and Lupus I knew that there was a risk in me losing my hair... a risk, not a definate... it became a definate last week. Two weeks into taking this med and having every symptom of a Lupus flare on top of it, I am officially a member of the buzz cut club.

Hair loss started rather quickly two weeks ago. Each time I would brush my hair, my hair would just come out in handfuls on my brush. I was hoping I could let it slide with hats and cute headbands but last Friday when I woke up, so much of it had broken off that I woke up with a splotchy mullet. There was no saving my hair.

I have always had a pretty good head of hair (one of the only compliments I will give myself). When I was in High School in Memphis my hair was so long that I could sit on it and so thick that even getting in one twist of a rubber band in a pony tail was a miracle created by God, so when I started losing my hair it was kind of heartbreaking.

As we ran the trimmer through my hair it wasn't that grandeous moment where I cried at the loss of my hair, it was more like a "I really need to get rid of this mullet" thing and not a thought was had about it. I do have to say that it really was a hack job that I did on my head. I was originally left with can only be described as a dark haired weird Barbie kind of look, completely with smeared makeup as I hadn't quite gotten the eye liner off the night before.

I think emotions weren't that high for me as I had resigned to wearing wigs as my hair started falling out. There are a few things that the world doesn't tell you as you are losing your hair to either chemo or a disease:

1. The scalp pain is real. At best I can describe it as hot needles on your head.

2. Children are curious and notice things... I was not prepared for that. Nothing mean was said, I just hadn't prepared myself to have to explain what was happening to me to kids who may or may not be scared of me now.

3. Not all wigs are created equal.... I mean it's almost comical.

I thought I had prepared well for this by watching YouTube video after YouTube video on how to properly put on a wig and which ones were the best to order. Cooper has some feelings he is working out with me losing my hair and I was not about to take him to a wig shop when Justin was traveling so I bought roughly ten wigs with varying colors and hairstyles and.... I don't know if my head was just not made for wigs or if these ones were just so comically bad that I look like a shitzu is sitting on my head with them.

Last week my dad had surgery and he usually does not do well with medical things with me so I opted to wear a wig with a scarf on my head so that he wouldn't freak out. He had no clue until I told him after the itching just got out of hand on my head and he handled it pretty well... I mean it could have also been the anesthesia that he was still under or that he had eye surgery and couldn't see anything but he handled it well but I did notice as the day went on that a few nurses looked at me with full knowledge that it was a wig and offered me ginger ale, crackers, a trash can to throw up in, and a place to sit. It was weird, not on their part, but on mine. I felt as if I wasn't deserving of those things as this medication and this hair loss were as a result from lupus and ehlers danlos and the medication used to treat those and not to ACTIVE cancer so I said "thank you, but I am ok" on multiple occasions as the day went on, even if I wasn't ok.

In reality I do just feel awful, both physically and mentally, but I just keep thinking that others have it so much worse than my current situation so my go to has been to isolate myself and not say much. I don't want the attention and I definately don't want the pity. I recognize what I am going through is tough but I also don't want to be treated like I am dying. Maybe this comes from the feelings I still carry from my sister's death but I am pushing so hard for the "this too shall pass" frame of mind as it really should pass. In about six months I will start to feel MUCH better.

As for the hairloss, this may be a lifetime thing and I am in the process of figuring out if I am a wig girl or a scarf girl. I did clean up the awful shave on my head and ordered some very high quality wigs that made me feel like myself again . In the meantime if you see me wearing a scarf, I am just trying to figure things out a little bit more but whatever my new normal is, I know that it does not change my worth or how my family loves me.